The Pastor's Ass - Another good old one

The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again and it won again. The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT. The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS. This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Pastor to get rid of the donkey. The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN. The Bishop fainted. He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10. This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE. The Bishop was buried the next day. The moral of the story is . . . being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery . . even shorten your life. So be yourself and enjoy life.

Modernization of Girls!!!

1960's : Love me, but don't touch me. 1970's : Touch me, but don't kiss me. 1980's : Kiss me, but don't do anything more. 1990's : Do everything, but don't tell anyone. Since 2000 : Do everything, otherwise I will tell everyone that you can't do anything.

WHAT THEY DO NOT TEACH IN BUSINESS SCHOOLS!

Keen immigrant Indian Marwadi boy applied for a  salesman's job at London's premier downtown department store. In fact, it was the biggest store in the world -  you could get anything there. The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman  before?" "Yes sir, I was a salesman in India", replied the boy.  The boss liked the cut of him and said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you."  The day was long and arduous for the young man, but he got through it. And finally 6:00 PM came around. The boss duly fronted up and asked, "How many sales did you make today?" "Sir, Just ONE sale." said the young salesman. "Only one sale?" blurted the boss. "No! No! You see here, most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. "If you want to keep this job,  you'd better be doing better than just one sale. By the way "How much was the sale worth?"  "300534.00 pounds" said the young Marwadi.  "What"," How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss. "Well", said the salesman, "This man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook.Then I sell him new fishing rod and some fishing gear. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast.   So I told him he'd be needing a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty-foot schooner with the twin engines.Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him  to our automotive department and sold   him that new Deluxe 4X4 Blazer.  I then asked him where he'll be staying, and since he had no accommodation, I took him to camping department and sold him one of those new igloo 6-sleeper camper tents. Then the guy said, while we're at it, I should throw in about $100 worth of groceries and two cases of beer. The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment,  "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook!!" "No" answered the salesman, "he came in to buy a box of Sanitary napkins for his wife and I said to him, "Sir, your weekend's screwed anyway. You might as well go fishing." 

 
Boss -  "You sit in my chair......."

Her Diary Vs. His Diary

"HER DIARY"

I asked him what was wrong - he said, "Nothing."  I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.  On the way home, I told him that I loved him, but he simply smiled and kept driving.    I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say, "I love you too."  When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched TV; he seemed distant and absent.   Finally, I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed.  I decided that I could not take it anymore, so I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep.  I started crying and cried until I fell asleep.   I do not know what to do. I'm al most sure that his thoughts are withsomeone else.   My life is a disaster.

" HIS DIARY"

Today Sri Lanka lost the cricket match again. DAMM IT..............

Some Stunnigly Hilarious One Liners...!!!!!

1. I say no to alcohol, It just doesn't listen.

 

2. A friend in need is a pest indeed.

 

3. Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce.

 

4. Work is fine if it doesn't take too much of your time.

 

5. When everything comes in your way You're in the wrong lane.

 

6. The light at the end of the tunnel may be an oncoming train..

 

7. Born free, Taxed to death.

 

8. Everyone has a photographic memory, Some just don't have film..

 

9. Life is unsure; Always eat your dessert first.

 

10. Smile, It makes people wonder what you are thinking.

 

11. If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, You'll have trouble putting on your pants.

 

12. It's not hard to meet expenses, They are everywhere.

 

13. I love being a writer... What I can't stand is the paperwork.

 

14. A printer consists of 3 main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.

 

15. The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was the genius.

 

16. The trouble with being punctual is that no one is there to appreciate it.

 

17. In a country of free speech, Why are there phone bills?

 

18. If you cannot change your mind, Are you sure you have one?

 

19. Beat the 5 O'clock rush, Leave work at noon!

 

20. If you can't convince them, Confuse them.

 

21. It's not the fall that kills you. It's the sudden stop at the end.

 

22. I couldn't repair your brakes, So, I made your horn louder!

 

23. Hot glass looks same as cold glass.

 

24. The cigarette does the smoking, You are just the sucker.

 

25. Someday is not a day of the week.

 

26. Whenever I find the key to success, Someone changes the lock.

 

27. To Err is human, To forgive is not a company policy.

 

28. The road to success.... Is always under construction.

 

29. Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, But, if you think again, neither does milk.

 

30. In order to get a loan, You first need to prove that you don't need it.

 

And my favourite ...

 

31. All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive, fattening or married to someone else.

Newton's laws of LOVE

Newton's laws of LOVE     First law: A boy in love with a girl continues to be in love with her and a girl in love with a boy continues to be in love with him, until and unless any external agent(brother or father of the girl) comes into play and breaks the legs of the boy. Second law: The rate of change of intensity of love of a girl towards a boy is directly proportional to his bank balance. Third law: The force applied while proposing a girl by a boy is equal and opposite to the force applied by the girl while using her sandals. Universal law: Love can neither be created nor be destroyed, it can only be transfered from one girlfriend to another girlfriend.

The new mathematical formula

The new mathematical formula that you may like. Mathematically Speaking Equation 1: Human = eat + sleep + work + enjoy Donkey = eat + sleep Therefore: Human = Donkey + Work + enjoy Therefore: Human-enjoy = Donkey + Work In other words, A Human that doesn't know how to enjoy = Donkey that works. * * * * * * Equation 2: Man = eat + sleep + earn money Donkey = eat + sleep Therefore: Man = Donkey + earn money Therefore: Man-earn money = Donkey In other words Man who doesn't earn money = Donkey * * * * * *  Equation 3: Woman= eat + sleep + spend Donkey = eat + sleep Therefore: Woman = Donkey + spend Woman - spend = Donkey In other words, Woman who doesn't spend = Donkey * * * * * * To Conclude: >From Equation 2 and Equation 3: Man who doesn't earn money = Woman who doesn't spend So Man earns money not to let woman become a donkey! And a woman spends not to let the man become a donkey! So, We have: Man + Woman = Donkey + earn money + Donkey + Spend money Therefore from postulates 1 and 2, we can conclude: Man + Woman = 2 Donkeys that live happily together!

__._,_.___

5 DONT's when U R Sleeping

1 - DON'T SLEEP WITH WATCH 
Watches can emit a certain level of radioactivity. Though small, but if you wear your watch to bed for a long time, it might have adverse effects on your health. 


2 - DON'T SLEEP WITH BRA
Scientists in America have discovered those that wear bras for more than 12 hours have a higher risk of getting breast cancer. So go to bed without it.


3 - DON'T SLEEP WITH PHONE
Putting the phone beside your bed or anywhere near you is not encouraged. Though some of us will use phones as alarm clocks, but please put the phone as far as possible. Scientists have proved that electrical items including mobile phone and television sets emit magnetic waves when used. These waves can cause disruptions to our nervous system. Therefore if you need to put your mobile phone near you, switch it off first.


4 - DON'T SLEEP WITH MAKE UP
People who sleep with make up might have skin problems in the long run. Sleeping with make up will cause the skin to have difficulty in breathing and problem in perspiring. You will also need a much longer time to go into deep sleep.


Lastly,


5 - DON'T SLEEP WITH OTHERS' WIFE OR HUSBAND
You may never wake up again. :D

Urgent Vacancy for the Post of Girl Friend

Applications are invited for the following post. The package and incentives are mentioned below. Designation : Junior Girl Friend (Trainee) Experience : Must have ditched at least 2 guys (Fresher with excellent credentials will be considered) Other requirement : Should have the Potential to do street bargaining and fight if required. Age : 18-23 (if the individual is too good looking but not in the age group can also apply, special consideration will undertaken for them) Height, weight, complexions no bar, but is subjective. Perks and incentives: Total gross ( Monthly ) :  - 2 gifts worth not exceeding Rs. 1000/-(no precious metals, stones)  - Bike rides each duration 1 hour  - Trips to National Parks  - 5 Trips to Beach   -Nuts / Chocobars at a regular gap of 3 days  - Daily Provision of Samosa/Bread Pakoda/Bhel worth Rs. 10 /-  - 2 movies (Family movies only) per month (on weekends)  - Visits to Shopping Malls and BARISTA every Weekend (On your own expense) A Pair of Jeans or T-shirts according to demand will be gifted, subject to finance availability and to the size available with the shopkeeper. Net Deductions (Monthly): Affair Fund and un-professional taxes will be informed on joining the probation period is 6 months, after which confirmation (with Promotion to fulltime Girlfriend) Plz NOTE: 1. Only females. 2. Girls who left in the last 2 months need not apply. 3. Ex-girlfriends will be eligible only if they agree to the above mentioned conditions. There is more: For girls who are not eligible, can take advantage of the referral. Program by referring their friend, colleagues etc. Candle light or Tube light dinner will be given on every referral, even if candidate is not selected. Search,,,,,, , never ends!! Interested candidates can send their resume with Subject: Name/fresher- exp/age. Photo must be in attachment. To the email address via mail Note: Applications without photo will be rejected

Victoria Hydro Power Dam- Sri Lanka

After 14 years  Victoria Dam reach to overflow level and It's all AI control  Gates Open automatically :P see Pics 

Victoria Dam

Attitude

Michael is the kind of guy you love to hate. He is always in a
good mood and always has something positive to say. When
someone would ask him how he was doing, he would reply, "If I
were any better, I would be twins!"

He was a natural motivator. If an employee was having a bad
day, Michael was there telling the employee how to look on the
positive side of the situation.

Seeing this style really made me curious, so one day I went up to
Michael and asked him, "I don't get it! You can't be a positive
person all of the time. How do you do it?"

Michael replied, "Each morning I wake up and say to myself,
'Mike, you have two choices today. You can choose to be in a
good mood or you can choose to be in a bad mood.' I choose to
be in a good mood.

"Each time something bad happens, I can choose to be a victim
or I can choose to learn from it. I choose to learn from it.

"Every time someone comes to me complaining, I can choose to
accept their complaining or I can point out the positive side of
life. I choose the positive side of life."

"Yeah, right, it isn't that easy," I protested.

"Yes, it is," Michael said. Life is all about choices. When you
cut away all the junk, every situation is a choice. You choose
how you react to situations. You choose how people will affect
your mood. You choose to be in a good mood or bad mood. "The
bottom line is: It's your choice how you live life."

I reflected on what Michael said. Soon thereafter, I left the tower industry to start my own business. We lost touch, but I often thought about him when I made a choice about life instead of reacting to it.

Several years later, I heard that Michael was involved in a
serious accident, falling some 60 feet from a communications
tower. After 18 hours of surgery and weeks of intensive care,
Michael was released from the hospital with rods placed in his
back.

I saw Michael about six months after the accident. When I asked
him how he was, he replied, "If I were any better, I'd be twins.
Wanna see my scars?"

I declined to see his wounds, but did ask him what had gone
through his mind as the accident took place. "The first thing that went through my mind was the well being of my soon-to-be-
born daughter," Michael replied. "Then, as I lay on the ground, I remembered that I had two choices: I could choose to live or I could choose to die. I chose to live."

"Weren't you scared? Did you lose consciousness?" I asked.

Michael continued, "The paramedics were great.They kept
telling me I was going to be fine. But when they wheeled me
into the ER and I saw the expressions on the faces of the doctors
and nurses, I got really scared. In their eyes, I read 'He's a dead man.' I knew I needed to take action."

"What did you do?" I asked. "Well, there was a big burly nurse
shouting questions at me," said Michael. "She asked if I was
allergic to anything. 'Yes,' I replied. The doctors and nurses
stopped working as they waited for my reply. I took a deep
breath and yelled, 'Gravity.' Over their laughter, I told them, 'I am choosing to live. Operate on me as if I am alive, not dead'."

Michael lived, thanks to the skill of his doctors, but also because of his amazing attitude. I learned from him that every day we have the choice to live fully. Attitude, after all, is everything.